Loss

 I've lost.

Too much in too little time. I tried to convence myself that I was okay. 

"You're okay, you're okay, you're happy, you'll move on"

But I'm not. Not right now. 

I cry, almost everyday. I cry because suddenly everything hurts. I could feel alone under this circumstances, but I don't. I don't feel alone. I simply feel out of base. Out of sight. Out of love for myself. I ran out of love. I used to have so much of it just a few months ago. Where is it now? Where is the love? Was it just that all other people around me kept on filling me up with their love? Was it not mine? Was it ever mine?

I look at myself and I avoid looking for too long. I'm scared I'll realize I don't like what I see, I hate what I see. I rather just ignore it. 

I listen to myself and all I hear is how much I've hurt with my ways of being. I'd like to hurt myself as much as I've hurt others, so that I understand, so that I learn, so that I feel, again. 

I keep on wanting to go back in time and do things a different way. I keep on desperately trying to fix what I did. I keep on thinking that it's not enough, whatever I do, it's not enough. To heal, forgive, forget and move on. I'm stuck. I'm stuck in self pitty and shame. I'm even ashamed that I get to be so sad when everything around me is really so good, so calm, so incomprehensively perfect, yet, I'm always this. Endlessly unsatisfied, endlessly unsurprised by life. 

I lost them, many of them. No past will ever come back so I can fix things. I wonder if the guilt will ever stop. I want it to stop. I want them to come back to me. I love them and I hurt them, and I'll keep on doing it because that's part of the deal. Love and hurt, love and hurt. Fix and mess, all a mess.

I'm here, and I will never stop trying.