Never alone.

Every other week and every other day. I think about us. Most of times I think about the unfinished past that never became the future. Our future. 

I must remind myself that just yesterday the thought of codependance seemed so awfuly soffocating. My friends and their friends, all sank in relationships. What for?. No minute was to be found in loneliness, the good one. Why so much fear to being alone? -I remember the feeling of having  IT. Whatever happened in my life nothing could be terrible enough because I had him. I could always -And did always, come back to him. He would cuddle the fear, or the anger, or the sadness away, so that I wouldn't have to hold it and carry it, or even try to understand it. 

Now the last one. The last relationship that I was in, I kept on wanting everything to be something it wasn't. I keep on regretting having said things that I think ruined it all, maybe even him. That's my latest realization and learning for life. Slow down. Stop meeting people and rushing them into feeling things for you. Which they usually do, you knonw that. You have that 'thing'. You see through. Everybody wears see-through veils of skin to your eyes. Forget about making your intuition a statement of truth. 

Forget about playing the game. Wanting to secretly stay inevitably attached to his life forever. Forget that fantasy future. Save the love for the next time you can stop proving yourself how much of a failure relationships with men are, just because you finished yours with your dad. You keep on choosing to bring people who will leave, who are bad enough to either make them leave or make you leave. You choose worthless paths. People who will go abroad or want to, people who you might simply don't even know enough or once you do, you stay around them even if they don't want you to. Own it up... come on, OWN IT UP. You've been choosing this for you. You want to learn fast, experience fast. Use their emotions and moments in life to feed your knowledge. You only want you. You only trust you. All you need is to prove yourself you can make it without any of them, men, women, friends, family, lovers. You'll always have you. But no matter how much you try, you need them and you know that. So once you've managed to pull them away, you sorrow the reasons you're alone. You're sad, and wish and lone for 'the one'. The one person who comes to find you and gives you everything your dad promised to give you, and never did. The one person who gives it all for you, as much as you're willing to give to them. 

But what if there's not only 'one'. What if they're here? What if they've been here before and you've let them go, or simply weren't ready for that, for the acceptance that as much as you struggle, as much as you'd like, as much as you want. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. They have been here, and they have stayed, and when they leave they've left and you've stayed, always with someone to hear how they ran away.